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If you take yourself and the world very seriously, you should probably fuck off now before it’s too late.

For the rest of you, here’s the news you need to know from the UK and beyond, all delivered with home-crafted memes.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes

Quote of the Week

Trump’s Government shutdown becomes longest in US history, breaking his first administration’s record

The US government shutdown has dragged into its 36th day, now officially the longest in its history, with over 800,000 federal workers unpaid and key services halted.

The deadlock stems from Congress’s failure to pass a funding bill since the 1st of October, as Democrats demand healthcare subsidies for low-income Americans and Republicans refuse to tie policy issues to the budget.

Senate Majority Leader John Thune said his gut suggests a breakthrough may be close, though after 14 failed votes optimism is starting to wear thin.

Meanwhile, millions of Americans relying on food assistance are facing cuts after Donald Trump said SNAP benefits would resume only when Democrats “open up government,” despite a court order compelling payment.

With Thanksgiving looming and only a few moderate lawmakers showing willingness to compromise, the political standoff will strain both the economy and the country’s patience.

The UK faces what experts are calling an “economic inactivity crisis,” with 800,000 more people now out of work due to health issues than before the pandemic.

Former John Lewis boss Sir Charlie Mayfield’s review says sickness costs employers £85 billion a year and the wider economy up to £212 billion through lost productivity, welfare and NHS strain.

Mental health problems among younger workers and joint or muscular pain among older ones are the biggest drivers of the absences from the workforce, with 1 in 5 working age adults out of the workforce entirely.

Mayfield will lead a new taskforce working with GPs and major employers like Tesco and Google to create healthier workplaces and keep people in jobs.

The government aims to turn these efforts into a national standard by 2029.

However, business groups say Labour’s Employment Rights Bill i.e. cracking down on zero-hour contracts and guaranteeing hours, could make exploitative flexible hiring harder.

Critics agree the plan’s success depends on real support for both workers and employers, not just introducing new regulations.

Trader who inspired The Big Short bets against AI as tech shares fall

Tech stocks tumbled worldwide this weeks as fears of an “AI bubble” rattled investors.

Japan’s Nikkei 225 dropped 2.5%, dragged down by a 10% plunge in SoftBank shares, while Nvidia and CIA/Mossad pysop Palantir fell nearly 4% in the US after The Big Short investor Michael Burry revealed a $1.1 billion bet against them.

Burry, famous for predicting the 2008 housing crash and being Christian Bale’s second most famous Wall Street character, hinted on X that “the only winning move is not to play,” fuelling market jitters over inflated AI valuations.

We musn’t forget that Burry has successfully predicted 45 of the last 2 bubbles. Impressive stuff.

Analysts say investors are growing sceptical that the AI boom can justify sky-high prices, even as firms like Amazon strike multi-billion-dollar deals with OpenAI. Across Asia, Samsung and TSMC also slid around 3–4%.

SoftBank’s sharp decline reflects broader unease that AI investment mania could be overextended. As one analyst put it, many companies “aren’t making enough money to justify the spending.”

The correction could last well into next year.

Elon Musk could become world's first trillionaire in new Tesla compensation plan

Elon Musk could become the world’s first trillionaire after Tesla shareholders approved a record-breaking $1 trillion pay package, despite falling sales and widespread criticism.

Over 75% backed the plan, which ties Musk’s payout to extreme performance goals, including producing 20 million cars a year and deploying a million humanoid “robot army” workers.

What could possibly go wrong?

The vote boosts Musk’s Tesla stake to nearly 30%, giving him tighter control of the company as he pivots it toward AI and robotics. “Hang on to your Tesla stock,” he told shareholders after the vote.

Critics called the package “absurd,” with major funds like CalPERS and Norway’s sovereign wealth fund opposing it, while Musk branded dissenting analysts “corporate terrorists.”

Tesla’s European sales have slumped, down 50% in Germany (they’ve historically always preferred Volkswagens), and its profits have fallen as Musk’s political antics alienate buyers.

Tesla shares rose briefly after the vote before settling flat at $445.

Myth: Pet insurance doesn’t cover everything

Many pet owners worry that insurance won’t cover everything, especially routine care or pre-existing conditions. While that’s true in many cases, most insurers now offer wellness add-ons for preventive care like vaccines, dental cleanings, and check-ups, giving you more complete coverage. View Money’s pet insurance list to find plans for as low as $10 a month.

Protect your pet

Sex offender mistakenly released from London prison found and arrested

Brahim Kaddour-Cherif, a 24-year-old Algerian sex offender who was mistakenly released from Wandsworth Prison last week, has been re-arrested in north London after an altercation outside the French Market café on Blackstock Road.

Eyewitnesses said a local appeared to recognise him before police arrived

They described officers handcuffing Kaddour-Cherif as he shouted “it’s not my fault” and kicked the police van.

Quite the contrast to the other prisoner who was mistakenly released.

Convicted fraudster Billy Smith spent a few days out and about before turning himself in, happily chatting to reporters and puffing on a cigarette.

The cases have deepened scrutiny of the UK’s overwhelmed prison system, where 262 inmates were mistakenly released in the past year — more than double the previous year.

Justice Secretary David Lammy blamed years of cuts and “archaic paper-based systems”, pledging rapid reforms and an independent inquiry into what he called a “crisis” in prison management.

Given Lammy’s keen observational skills, it’s a good thing they didn’t put him in charge of the search, or the geezer would still be out there.

Zohran Mamdani elected mayor of New York on winning night for Democrats

34 year old Zohran Mamdani has been elected mayor of New York City, becoming its youngest leader since 1892, its first Muslim mayor and its first born in Africa.

His upset victory over former Governor Andrew Cuomo and Republican Curtis Sliwa marks a stunning win for the left wing of the Democratic party.

A self-described democratic socialist, Mamdani campaigned on free childcare, expanded public transit and a progressive tax system.

His win signals a new generation of progressive Democrats using social media fluency and grassroots organising to outmaneuver the party establishment.

The party establishment in this case being an old Italian pervert (Cuomo) and a man who has a whole wikipedia page dedicated purely to investigations into his corruption (Eric Adams).

But challenges loom: he faces opposition from Governor Kathy Hochul on tax rises and must reconcile his anti-corporate rhetoric with governing a city built on finance.

🍻Half Pints

Quick-fire news you might have missed

Reunion of the Week

Former US President Vice-President and morbidly obese Christian Bale impersonator Dick Cheney died this week at the tragically young age of 84.

His career highlights include invading Iraq on false intelligence, shooting his lawyer on a hunting trip, and signing Borat’s waterboarding kit.

Whilst he sadly just missed seeing New York get their first muslim mayor, we do find some solace in knowing that his one way trip to hell will reunite him with the man whose regime he helped topple, Saddam Hussein.

Saddam loved Dick.

That’s all for today, but before you go…

We’re always open to feedback (and hate-mail), so feel free to reply and we’ll get back to you within 5 “working” days.

Barring an act of god or being kidnapped by Mossad the deep state, we’ll see you next week.

Thanks to Larry