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Greetings lovely people,

Trust in the news has hit an all-time low apparently. We’re here to change that.

By bringing the trust in news even lower.

Jokes aside, thank you for trusting us with your email, and more importantly, your time. All 20,000 of you (shameless humblebrag, sorry).

Let’s get stuck into the news.

⏰ Today's reading time is 6 minutes

Realising that the Thousand Keir Reich appears to be coming to an end (and definitely not because Russian-backed arsonists tried to burn his house down), Sir Keir Starmer has decided to start enforcing international law against Russia, as a “shadow fleet” vessel passing near the UK was boarded for the first time on Monday. 

The ship, Smyrtos, was en route to India from Russia with 98,000 tonnes of crude oil. 

While the ship’s captain could face 10 years in jail for attempting to evade sanctions, we reckon he was probably just looking for a good view of Sailisbury Chichester cathedral.  

With the Russia-Ukraine war turning in Ukraine’s favour, European nations have stepped up economic pressure on Russia.

Given that Starmer’s two most senior defence ministers recently resigned over a lack of defence funding, the Kremlin can rest easy knowing that any follow-up operations have probably already been vetoed by the Treasury. 

Russia responded in a typically measured fashion: A Russian frigate fired ‘warning’ shots at a retired couple from Slough sailing off the Isle of Wight.

And they say that pensioners have it easy. 

Either way, Keir Stalin appears to have left a hot potato on the desk in Number 10 as a last “fuck you” for Andy Burnham the next PM.

The British government plans to ban access to social media for all children under 16, after weeks in which the nation debated how it would introduce new protections for children online.

Starmer said the government would introduce the new regulations in Parliament before Christmas and bring a ban into force in early 2027.

The measures will follow a similar model to that of Australia, where a ban was introduced in December, and will apply to platforms like Snapchat, TikTok, YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and X, the government said.

Messaging apps like WhatsApp and Signal will not be included in the restrictions.

There isn’t a lot of data available to understand the consequences of Australia’s ban, academics have stressed, but six months in, early indications are that it has largely failed at keeping young teenagers off the platforms.

Still, some Australian parents have argued that the real impact of the law may not be felt for years, when younger children who are not yet on social media may stay off because of the regulations, preferring instead to go and fight kangaroos, refuse to use their indoor voices, or whatever it is Aussies do to pass the time.

Starmer acknowledged that the new regulations would not mean that no child ever logged on to social media again, but he said that the existence of VPNs potential circumvention of the law was no reason not to introduce restrictions.

It’s all by the by, as what Keir does or doesn’t accept won’t matter an awful lot soon anyway (more on that later).

While it won’t win any Deal of the Week awards, Donald Trump electronically signed a significant memorandum of understanding with Iran on Wednesday, provisionally ending a 104 day conflict.

The MOU is basically both sides signing a piece of paper that says “we do not want to keep fighting”, and postpones fighting for 60 days to allow them to work out a final settlement.

Assuming talks go ahead, the Strait white man of Hormuz opening properly for the first time since February would be huge for the global economy. 

A win for the U.S. would also be an agreement on nuclear disarmament for Iran, and Iran has agreed to discuss nuclear issues in the coming 60 day window. This is progress, as Iran had not previously budged on enriching uranium.  

Dementia Donald insists that his deal is the best ever struck with Iran, and that this war has gone 15/10 on a scale of 1-10, whatever the fuck that means.

By comparison, Barry Obama’s 2015 deal included very tight restrictions on Uranium enrichment and had Russia and China as co-signatories.

The US walking away with comparable terms this time around seems hopeful at best, especially as Trump has to pay $300bn for the pleasure

Markets have responded positively to the memorandum being signed, and provided Bibi & friends don’t accidentally artillery strike any schools or hospitals in the meantime, the agreement may actually stick.

Every story has some spin on it. A bias. An angle. Whatever you want to call it. 

Information has never been more freely available, yet it's easier than ever to be misled by the news. 

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We use them to help put each newsletter together, as there is no better way on the internet to get a full understanding of all the media angles on all the relevant stories. 

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Andy Burnham has set up a potential showdown with Keir Starmer after convincingly winning the Makerfield by-election, paving the way for a likely crack at the Labour leadership.

The ‘King of the North’, who was first elected to parliament almost exactly 25 years ago and served in the governments of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, will return to Westminster nine years after he left.

The outgoing mayor of Greater Manchester promised change after winning the byelection in the early hours of Friday morning with 55% of the votes and a majority almost double the size of his predecessor, Josh Simons.

To be fair, it wasn’t exactly stiff competition, with Andy up against a Fox furry, a man with a pedal bin on his head (that’s Count Binface to you chum), and of course, Deform Reform UK.

The scale of the win has prompted talk among Burnham’s allies that he could replace Starmer as prime minister within weeks, if not even days.

Much will depend on whether the prime minister decides to fight to retain his position, or just call it a day.

Should Burnham become the next Prime Minister, he would be the 7th Prime Minister of the last 10 years.

But don’t worry, this next one will do the trick.

Just one more Prime Minister, I promise this next one will work out.

We just need one more. Please…

Concerned that being cut out of chip supply chains will leave them unable to electronically reject small business applications, the European Commission has proposed a ‘Tech Sovereignty Package’ to reduce dependence on non-European AI, digital infrastructure, and cloud providers. 

The EU just wouldn't be the EU if it passed up an opportunity to suffocate a fast-moving industry with regulations.

The rules aim to bolster homegrown tech as the bloc scrambles to counter its reliance on the U.S. and China. Key measures include:

While tech moves fast, the proposals require approval from all 27 member states before coming into force so, as usual, don’t expect anything to happen quickly.

Cuba’s President Miguel Díaz-Canel sprang a surprise on Friday, announcing a wide-ranging package of economic reforms aiming to liberalise the island's economy amid continued US economic pressure.

The Cuban leader insisted that the measures respond to the “demands of the present time” and are intended to streamline and energise the economy.

Speaking of ‘energising’, maybe they could solve the issue of blackouts and power the island with the energy coming from Fidel Castro turning in his grave.

Díaz-Canel stressed that the changes are not a response to external pressure, although he acknowledged the "hostile environment” created by US sanctions.

Because millions of Cubans living off a rationed allocation of powdered egg and raw sugar cane is definitely not a ‘hostile environment’ in the slightest.

Arguably the most important measure is the re-opening of the country's tourism sector to “new players” and “new modalities” to make use of the state-owned hotel stock i.e. “Let’s turn this place into the new American tourist hotspot yeehaw”

The reforms also extend to the agricultural sector, which will gain direct access to inputs, participation in the foreign exchange market and a reduction in the wonders of a command economy bureaucratic procedures.

Havana will also scrap the role of state import companies, and will lift restrictions on vehicle imports, meaning people may actually be able to drive around in something that didn’t once belong to a mid-level Soviet bureaucrat.

In a win for perverts around the world, the CEO of Snapchat’s parent company, Snap Inc., unveiled a new pair of AR glasses this week - the Specs. 

For the low, low price of $2,195, you can look like you’ve just forgotten to put your 3D glasses in the bin on the way out of watching Avatar 3.

Not to be confused with the ill-fated Spectacles, the Specs are Apple Vision-esque product which can be worn day-to-day without being tethered to a phone.

They are however, tethered to your face, which is the main issue here.

Snap’s investors seem to share our concerns, as the stock price dropped 8% at market opening on Thursday. 

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Thanks to Sam, Sophie & Charlie