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Happy Friday ladies and gents,

As the world continues to pack in what feels like about 200 years of history into the space of 2 weeks, we remain on hand to break it all down into memes for your viewing pleasure.

Let’s get straight into the good stuff.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes

Global central bankers have rallied around Jerome Powell after the US justice department opened a criminal investigation into the Federal Reserve chair.

The heads of the Bank of England, ECB, Bank of Canada and others issued a rare joint statement from the Illuminati headquarters backing Powell’s integrity and warning that central bank independence is a cornerstone of their jobs economic stability.

The probe relates to Powell’s Senate testimony about renovations to Fed buildings and follows a year of personal and political attacks from Donald Trump, who has repeatedly pressured the Fed to cut rates faster and branded Powell a “numbskull”, which is American for “wanker”.

Powell, usually reserved, has now warned publicly that political intimidation risks turning monetary policy into a partisan tool.

Rates have already been cut three times, but inflation remains above target.

Several Republicans say the investigation looks coercive, with one senator threatening to block Powell’s replacement.

Former Fed chairs have also warned the episode risks making the US look like a banana republic.

Given the complexion of their leader, orange republic may be more apt.

Labour has dropped plans to force workers to sign up to a new digital ID scheme to prove their right to work, after a backlash from voters, MPs and pretty much everyone who had ever heard of the scheme.

Instead, ministers now say existing checks using passports and biometrics will simply move fully online by 2029.

We don’t have all day, so we can’t go through all 13, but this latest U-turn joins the likes of inheritance tax for farmland and winter fuel payments on the list of policies that the current government has pussied out of implementing had a change of heart on.

Unlike a lot of Europeans, Brits generally take quite a lot of pride in being able to walk around freely without being asked who they are, where they’re going and what their mother’s maiden name is.

Polling support for digital ID collapsed after Keir Starmer’s announcement, with nearly three million people signing a petition against it.

Ministers insist mandatory digital checks are still coming, just without a new ID system, and argue digitisation will help tackle illegal working (more on that below).

Other than commending the “bravery of Iran’s citizens”, Benjamin Netanyahu has gone unusually quiet as Donald Trump flirts with military action against Iran.

A weaker Iranian regime suits Israel almost regardless of what Trump does, whether that means strikes, cyber attacks, sanctions, or a deal that undoes the 2015 Iran’s nuclear and missile programmes.

Well, what’s left of them anyway.

Even so, in the long contest with the Islamic republic, the Ayatollahs call the “Little Satan” now enjoys the strongest strategic footing in its history thanks to an increasingly aggressive Orange Maniac and a regime dealing with the highest levels of resistance in decades.

It’s not all rainbows and sunshine for Bibi and friends though.

Sima Shine, the Mossad’s former head of research on Iran, said there was little expectation in Israel that Trump’s threats would deliver the “fairytale” scenario of regime change and a pro-Western democracy emerging in Tehran.

Gee, sounds awfully familiar.

Whilst the US and Israel scheme, thousands of protesters have been killed by the regime in Iran, with the authorities reportedly asking for large sums of money in exchange for bodies.

Robert Jenrick has defected from the Conservatives to Deform Reform UK after being sacked by Tory leader Kemi Badenoch for secretly plotting to move.

Nigel Farage unveiled him at a Westminster press conference, jokingly thanking Badenoch for “helping realign the centre-right”.

Jenrick responded by torching his old party, calling the Conservatives “rotten” and accusing them of breaking Britain, conveniently forgetting that he was a Cabinet member in the previous three Tory governments.

Badenoch said it was a “good day” for the Tories and that Jenrick was now Farage’s problem.

Conservative sources claim his defection plans were uncovered after a full speech and media strategy were found lying around Tory HQ, presumably whilst Jenrick was out trying to see how many white faces he could find in the vicinity.

Jenrick becomes the second washed up high profile Tory to join Reform this week, alongside former Chancellor Nadim Zahawi.

Like Jenrick, he had promised to never defect.

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Europe has sent a few dozen troops to Greenland in a deliberately small but loaded (title of my sex tape) gesture, as Donald Trump keeps insisting the US needs to control the island for national security.

France, Germany, the UK and Nordic allies describe the deployment as a signal rather than a military move, while Trump has dismissed it as hilarious irrelevant and refused to rule out force.

Danish officials say talks in Washington exposed a “fundamental disagreement”, and Poland warned that one Nato member threatening another would be catastrophic.

The standoff exposes quite the legal jumble.

Ever since ‘a few boats landed there 500 years ago’, Greenland has been a part of Denmark.

In theory, an attack should trigger Nato’s Article 5, but the US is also in Nato and the alliance effectively becomes useless if its own members invade each other.

The EU has a fallback clause, Article 42.7, which obliges members to assist Denmark, though support could be diplomatic or economic rather than military, much like how the EU is supporting Ukraine for instance.

Donald Trump wants at least $100 billion poured into Venezuela’s oil sector after the US seized Nicolás Maduro in a January raid, promising cheaper energy in return.

A lot of oil execs remain unconvinced however.

Exxon bluntly called Venezuela “uninvestable”, citing repeated asset seizures and legal chaos, and no major spending commitments followed the White House meeting.

The US plans to selectively lift sanctions while keeping tight control over oil sales, with revenues parked in US-held accounts to maintain leverage over Venezuela’s interim leadership. Trump has made clear companies should deal with Washington, not Caracas.

Venezuela holds the largest proven oil supplies, but produces barely 1% of global supply after decades of focusing on arepas mismanagement.

Chevron may modestly expand output, while European firms like Repsol see upside under the right conditions.

The world said goodbye to the rather unfortunately named Ai, a female chimpanzee famous for her cognitive skills, who left us at the age of 49, which we’re told is quite old for a chimp.

When she wasn’t chilling in her enclosure or smoking cigarettes participating in cognitive tests, Ai loved to paint, and was reportedly “proficient at counting”.

Sounds more capable than some politicians that come to mind.

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