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Happy Friday beautiful people,

We were all a little down this week due to the fact that we didn’t make it out to Davos to rub shoulders with the Illuminati elites.

Instead, the majority of this newsletter is being typed out in a South London pub that smells of cigarettes and broken dreams.

Anyway, let’s get you the news you need to know via memes.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes

Donald Trump says the US has agreed a “framework of a future deal” on Greenland, a sharp change in tone after weeks of threats that even included using force against Nato ally Denmark.

Europe in turn threatened to retaliate with the dreaded “anti-coercion instrument”, even sending a few dozen soldiers to Greenland as part of ‘Operation Arctic Monkeys Endurance’.

Trump announced the framework after meeting Nato chief Mark Rutte in Davos, but Rutte says he did not discuss sovereignty with Daddy.

Denmark and Greenland are blunt that sovereignty is non-negotiable, with Greenland’s PM calling it a “red line”, whilst at the same time admitting he hasn’t actually seen the plan yet.

Leaks suggest the US may be seeking control of limited areas for military bases, rather than outright ownership.

That could resemble UK bases in Cyprus or expanded rights under a 1951 US-Denmark defence agreement, which already allows US troops in Greenland.

Washington argues that it needs a greater presence to counter Russia and China in the Arctic.

Having noticed a few patterns over the last year or so, we’ve come up with a framework for predicting Trumps geopolitical moves:

After years of bans, almost-bans and court cases, a deal is close that keeps the social media app TikTok running in the US.

TikTok’s US business now sits in a new joint venture with a majority-American board.

Oracle, Silver Lake and Emirati AI investor MGX each own 15%, while ByteDance keeps around 20%, which is conveniently just below the legal limit it is allowed to own.

TikTok CEO Shou “Senator, I’m Singaporean” Chew will also sit on the board of the new entity.

Oracle will host US user data and oversee a newly licensed version of TikTok’s algorithm, which Bytedance receives a yearly fee to license out.

That algorithm is what all the fuss is about.

It will now live on US servers, outside Beijing’s reach, but experts expect the US app to feel different, slower and less addictive - potentially due to the fact it will be retrained only on American data.

The likes of Meta and Google, who have unsuccessfully tried to replicate TikTok’s algorithm with Reels and Shorts, will be hoping that that’s the case.

First porn, then vapes, and now potentially social media. British teens just can’t catch a break.

The House of Lords has voted to back a ban on under-16s using social media, ramping up pressure on the government to act.

VPN companies are licking their lips.

Peers passed an amendment to the schools bill by 261 votes to 150, despite ministers insisting they will try to kill it in the Commons.

The proposal would give the government a year to decide which platforms are off-limits and force companies to introduce “highly effective” age checks - which the government has not been very “highly effective” at actually enforcing.

Momentum is building after Australia’s recent under-16 ban and European countries following suit.

But the government says it won’t rush, preferring a three-month consultation that also looks at curfews, doom-scrolling and tougher enforcement of existing rules.

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary says an online spat with Elon Musk has been good for business, claiming ticket sales are up 2–3% in the past five days thanks to the attention.

The row kicked off after Musk floated the idea of buying Ryanair and insulted O’Leary on X, following Ryanair’s rejection of having Starlink power the wi-fi on its flights.

O’Leary responded by calling Musk an idiot and saying Starlink would be a financial disaster, estimating installation would cost €250m, add €100m a year in fuel costs, and only appeal to 5% of passengers.

Considering Ryanair flights are essentially flying buses, that 5% figure is looking quite generous.

O’Leary says he’s not offended, noting he’s routinely insulted by his teenage children, as well as anyone who has ever tried to check a carry-on to one of his flights.

“If it boosts sales, he can insult me all day,” he said.

Given O’Leary had his personal car turned into a taxi company so he could use bus-lanes within Dublin to avoid traffic, it’s safe to say the guy doesn’t give a shit about what others think of him.

As a publicly-traded company, Musk is free to buy shares.

However, EU rules prevent non-Europeans from owning a majority of any EU airline, so the chances of O’Leary being ousted and Ryan Reynolds being installed as CEO are looking slim.

The UK government is putting £25 million of taxpayer state money into Kraken Technologies as it tries to persuade the firm to float in London rather than New York.

The investment, from the British Business Bank, is its largest direct bet yet and forms part of Kraken’s $1 billion fundraising and spin-off from Octopus Energy.

Kraken, which sounds like a shitty memecoin your dipshit cousin told you about in 2021, actually runs AI-powered billing systems for about half of UK households and 55 million globally, with a valuation of roughly $9 billion.

Ministers hope that having the state bank on the cap table nudges the company towards a London IPO, potentially as early as 2027, though Kraken’s founder says timing will depend on readiness, not government strong-arming pressure.

The government’s underlying logic is that the more companies choose to stay and grow in the UK, the more likely they are to contribute to the state coffers.

The move also reflects deeper anxiety about London’s shrinking appeal as a listing venue, after years of delistings and companies choosing the US once they get to a certain size.

Donald Trump has unveiled a new “Board of Peace” at Davos, promising to end wars, hatred and bloodshed, positioning himself as chairman for life.

Yes, it actually has that written into its charter, which gives the Orange Maniac sweeping powers over membership, structure and succession.

The plans were born out of the Gaza Peace Panel that was established late last year.

Notable members of that include Trump’s son in law and slum landlord Jared Kushner, as well as former British Prime Minister and notable peace enthusiast Tony Blair.

The new Peace Board overlaps awkwardly with the UN, which Trump says “hasn’t lived up to its potential”.

Critics see a vanity project designed to sideline multilateral institutions and reward pro-Trump allies, whilst supporters argue it reflects frustration with an increasingly gridlocked United Nations.

Either way, Putin and Netanyahu got invites to join the Board of Peace, which is the equivalent of inviting Jack the Ripper to chair International Women’s Day.

French President Emmanuel Macron stole the show at Davos.

Not so much for his words, but for the fact he looked like he had just come from an audition for Top Gun 3.

While Macron did not explain the reason for the shades during his speech, French reports have attributed it to having walked into a door an ongoing medical condition.

Either way, the memes that came from it are glorious.

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Thanks to Harry