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Happy Friday you beautiful people,

Having recovered from our 4-day bender in Malta and now firmly back on British soil, we are ready to get back to the all-important work of condensing the news into memes.

A year ago, the newsletter went out to 7 people.

Now, our subscribers could pack out an average-sized League One stadium.

We promise we won’t let it go to our heads.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes

Quote of the Week

Trump signs bill ordering US justice department to release Epstein files 

Donald Trump has signed a bill forcing the release of federal files on disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein, ending months of political whiplash.

He could’ve released them himself at any time of course, but instead let Congress drag him into doing it with a 427–1 vote.

Given there’s speculation that he sucked off Bill Clinton and/or Ghislaine Maxwell’s horse, you can see why he’d be dragging his feet.

The lone holdout warned the dump might expose “thousands of paedophiles innocent people” who spoke to investigators.

The justice department now has 30 days to publish interview transcripts, flight logs, seized materials and internal communications—minus anything tied to ongoing investigations or private medical details.

Trump had previously called the push a Democrat “hoax”.

He then followed the Prince Andrew “I’ve never met this woman in my life” formula and reversed course, now claiming the release will reveal Democrats’ Epstein ties.

Black Friday has stopped being a day and mutated into a month-long retail festival/late-stage capitalist cess-pit.

Amazon now calls it “Black Friday Week,” but most brands started slashing prices in early November. Shoppers aren’t waiting either, with October spending on toys jumping 50% and video games 43%.

Retailers say one-day mega-sales are too chaotic and that stretching Black Friday “smooths demand peaks,” makes shipping easier, and buys time to process the avalanche of returns of shit you realise you didn’t actually need.

After years of squeezed budgets, Brits (and consumers worldwide) are now conditioned to hunt for discounts rather than stay loyal to brands, with Google searches for deals rising earlier every year.

Stores, meanwhile, are desperate for a win after weak spending and higher taxes.

Time to buy another air fryer I guess…

US secures $1 trillion in Saudi spending commitments

Trump’s White House rolled out the full royal treatment for Saudi leader Mohammed bin Salman (who will shall abbreviate to MBS as we can’t be arsed to type his full name), celebrating a supposed $1 trillion investment package from the gulf state.

Even setting aside the fact that the figure is roughly equivalent to Saudi Arabia’s entire annual GDP, the investments have zero timelines or enforcement mechanism attached, with the mega-pledges seeming to be more diplomatic fugazee than anything.

The Kingdom says it is committing to hundreds of billions in investment across the US energy sector, defence capabilities and the development of its AI technology.

It was MBS’ first visit to the US since he ordered the murder and dissection of dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul in 2018.

Khashoggi’s four children were all educated in the US and two are US citizens.

When asked about it by a journalist in the White House, MBS described getting caught for the murder as “a mistake.”

Ever the diplomatic and measured statesman, Trump then insulted the journalist who asked the question, threatened to have her employers media license revoked and remarked that “whether you liked him [Khashoggi] or not, things happen.”

Paying failed asylum seekers to leave is value for money, says Home Secretary

Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood says she’s open to paying failed asylum seekers much more than the current £3,000 to leave the UK voluntarily, arguing it’s cheaper than keeping them in the system at around £30,000 a year.

She admits the idea “sticks in the craw” for many, but insists it’s “value for money” and has already ordered a pilot scheme to test higher payouts.

The move is part of Labour’s sweeping Danish-inspired asylum overhaul, which has triggered backlash from within the party, especially plans to deport rejected families, including those with children.

Labour peer Lord Dubs accused her of “weaponising children,” a claim Mahmood rejects.

Mahmood also pushed back on reports that asylum seekers’ jewellery could be confiscated, saying sentimental items are safe, but anyone arriving with high-value assets, from Rolexes to Audis, should expect to contribute to their accommodation, just as British benefit claimants do.

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Nvidia shares rise after strong results ease 'AI bubble' concerns

Nvidia has blown past Wall Street’s sky-high expectations again, reporting a 62% revenue jump to $57 billion thanks to insatiable demand for its AI data-centre chips.

Its guidance for next quarter (up to $65 billion) sent shares higher and briefly quieted talk of an “AI bubble.”

Jensen “Anthony Bourdain” Huang insisted “cloud GPUs are sold out” and sales of its Blackwell systems are “off the charts.”

The S&P 500 has been sliding as investors question whether the wider AI ecosystem, stuffed with shitty startups and eye-watering capex, is starting to look a lot like the late-’90s dotcom run-up.

Even Google’s Sundar Pichai has said parts of the boom look “irrational.”

Nvidia remains the exception: cash-rich, dominant, and now deeply embedded in global AI politics, with Huang and his leather jackets jetting across the world to woo politicians and business leaders.

Whilst others are showing signs of concern, Huang had the following to say this week:

Meta defeats antitrust case over Instagram, WhatsApp acquisitions

A U.S. district judge has handed Meta a major win, ruling that its long-ago acquisitions of Instagram and WhatsApp did not violate antitrust law.

The FTC had argued Meta bought its way into a social-media monopoly, but Judge James Boasberg said the agency failed to prove Meta still holds dominant power in a landscape now shaped by TikTok, YouTube, and….um….Snapchat?

In short, a very, very competitive social media landscape.

Boasberg stressed that the FTC itself approved both deals at the time, and that social media “surges and recedes” too quickly for Meta to qualify as today’s monopolist.

The ruling means Meta avoids the nuclear option of being forced to spin off Instagram and WhatsApp.

The FTC blasted the decision and hinted the judge was never going to side with them given he’s already a target of Republican impeachment efforts.

Meta isn’t done with the courts just yet though.

Zuckerberg and Instagram boss Adam Mosseri have been ordered to testify in a separate trial over whether the company knowingly made its apps addictive to young people.

🍻Half Pints

Quick-fire news you might have missed

Aussie of the Week

A convicted murderer serving a life sentence in Australia is challenging a ban on prisoners consuming Vegemite, saying it prevents him for ‘enjoying his culture’.

Andre McKechnie, who stabbed someone to death in the 1990s, is suing the state of Victoria for his right to enjoy the dogshit polarising spread.

The decision could open the floodgates for murderers across the world claiming it’s their human right to enjoy their national spread:

• Italians to enjoy Nutella

• Lebanese to enjoy Hummus

• Argentines to enjoy Dulce de Leche

• Americans to enjoy Marshmellow Peanut spread or whatever the fuck it is they eat

That’s all for today, but before you go…

We’re always open to feedback (and hate-mail), so feel free to reply and we’ll get back to you within 5 “working” days.

Barring an act of god or being kidnapped by Mossad the deep state, we’ll see you next week.

Thanks to Luke and Dave