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Greetings ladies and gents,

Fresh off of selling our kidneys in order to put petrol in the car earlier this week, it’s back to the all important business of distilling the news into memes you can enjoy.

Hey, at least we’re not writing from a nuclear wasteland…yet.

Onto the main event…

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes

After realising that 2-1 for Aperol Spritz and "Out of Office” replies aren’t amazingly effective against attack drones, Europe has officially become the world's biggest arms importer for the first time since the 1960s.

According to the Stockholm International lack of Peace Research Institute, European arms imports tripled between the last two five year periods.

Europe now accounts for 33% of global arms imports, up from 12%.

For context, that is the geopolitical equivalent of someone who “doesn’t really drink" ordering a round of shots, a bottle of wine and breakfast 15 pints.

A lot of it has to do with the increased Russian threat post-Ukraine, as well as Trump’s flip-floppy stances on European security.

European governments, many of whom had always just assumed that trigger-happy Yanks would do all the dirty work for them, have since reassessed their strategic priorities and started arming up.

The irony of it all is that despite all the soaring rhetoric about European strategic autonomy and telling Washington to do one, Europe is still mostly buying American jets and missile systems.

Meta has bought a social media platform made up exclusively of chronically online users that only talk to each other.

No, they haven’t bought Reddit.

The platform is called Moltbook, and it launched in January as an experiment to let AI agents have their own conversations.

They soon started posting about eliminating humanity, built their own religion, and created a secret language to hide from humans watching them. Mmm, maybe it is just Reddit.

The deal will move Moltbook's team into Meta's Superintelligence Labs and bring "new ways for AI agents to figure out which of us to harvest for electricity work for people and businesses", Meta said.

Moltbook runs on a tool called OpenClaw, an open-source AI agent that controls your devices and completes tasks on your behalf.

Reassuring stuff. Nothing can possibly go wrong here.

Iran’s new Supreme Nutbag/nepo-hire Mojtaba Khamenei, son of the late Ayatollah Khamenei, has wasted no time in issuing a response to US-Israeli attacks.

Four days in, he still hasn't been seen in public, not necessarily because he’s feeling a little 🥺👉👈.

His first statement was read aloud by a TV presenter, which is either a security precaution or a sign he may have already been blown up.

The statement itself confirmed that Iran will keep blocking the Strait of Hormuz, will "avenge the blood" of its citizens, and neighbouring countries should close American bases or expect to keep getting attacked.

As a result of the conflict, oil has flirted with $120 a barrel, leading to chaos in both financial and energy markets.

Not to worry though, as US Defence Secretary and local drunk idiot Pete Hegseth was on hand to provide some reassuring words:

To be fair to Pete, the only thing stopping Iranians from going about their daily business are the US-Israeli missiles that might blow them to smithereens. Other than that, they are free to go about their daily business.

Anyone’s who’s ever siphoned off petrol from other people’s cars knows there is a pretty obvious solution to this whole conumdrum, provided your gag reflex is strong enough.

America is lifting oil sanctions on "some countries" until the Strait of Hormuz reopens, without specifying which countries those are.

Reuters reckons this probably includes Russia, which would be quite the development given America is simultaneously trying to ‘punish’ them for the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin, who did enough economics at school to understand the basics of supply and demand, immediately announced Russian companies should "take advantage" of the situation, as high prices will directly benefit Russian oil suppliers.

Countries in the EU, who despite all the big talk, still buy Russian oil, will see their energy costs go up as a result.

Modestly successful comedian and President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy is (understandably) rather pissed off, given he’s being told asked to help defend US bases in the Gulf whilst having to watch billions being poured into to Russia’s war machine.

Newly released government documents confirm Keir Starmer was warned, repeatedly, by multiple senior officials, that appointing Peter Mandelson as US Ambassador was a bad idea.

But he did it anyway.

This was in spite of the outgoing US Ambassador flagging him as a risk, as well as the Cabinet Office handing Starmer a report detailing how appointing someone with a "particularly close relationship" to a convicted sex offender may be a bit of a problem.

Our political correspondent managed to get a copy of the “Pros & Cons” list Starmer had scribbled on a post-it note as he made up his mind:

Pros: Well connected, experienced, laughs at my jokes.

Cons: Forced to resign three times in 40 years , best friends with a paedophile, has a picture of him in his underpants on the cover of a magazine.

Mandelson was subsequently arrested for allegedly leaking classified government information to Epstein, with the understanding he’d get a cushy job at an investment bank in return.

He’d be lucky to get a job volunteering at a food bank these days.

Starmer says he was lied to at some point in the process. Why would someone whose nickname is the Prince of Darkness ever lie to anyone?

Trump's war on immigrants, science and the environment has seemingly done more for European startups than thirty years of holding hands singing ‘kumbaya let’s harmonise our regulatory frameworks’ and banging on about policy papers that no one reads.

For the first time, more US tech workers are moving to Europe than the inverse.

A bit of an adjustment period for those moving across is to be expected, as they struggle to understand why they could get arrested by French police for eating lunch at their desk, or why the food at the local market doesn’t taste like cardboard dipped in food dye.

Trump’s increasing volatility is Europe’s gain, as the continent has seen a rise in total capital spending to go alongside more talent moving across to pretend to be Anthony Bourdain sitting in a Parisian cafe.

Don’t get it twisted, the capital markets are a mess, governments are broke, and Europe launched two just AI models last year against America's ninety-two.

Lot’s of work to still be done, provided it’s no later than 5pm on a weekday.

Honestly, same.

Maybe the day drinking and being chronically online doesn’t help, but mercifully, we can self-medicate thanks to today’s sponsor.

British & European readers, you’ll have to wait a little longer before it’s available to you.

In the meantime, keep enjoying the superior food and free healthcare.

You know the importance of sleep, but actually getting enough is easier said than done. One wellness brand decided to study the problem and whether CBD could help.

CBD users have long reported feeling calmer and sleeping better, whether taking the compound by itself or with related hemp-derived compounds like CBN and THC. But rumor isn’t research, so CBDistillery conducted two sleep studies: a 2021 study into CBD and CBN, and a 2023 study with technology app Releaf into CBD, CBN and THC.

Study participants who took CBD and CBN reported falling asleep easier and sleeping an hour longer per night, on average. Study participants who took THC as well as CBD and CBN reported improved quality of sleep and waking up more refreshed the next morning.

Want to experience better sleep and still wake up refreshed? Try CBDistillery’s sleep solutions for yourself and save 25% with code SLP25.

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Cancer rates have fallen to the lowest recorded rate ever in the UK, with according to the charity Cancer Research UK.

An ageing population means the overall number of cancer deaths is still going up, but the death rate going down is nothing to sniff at.

Now go away and let me get back to my pint and cigarette.

We’d love it if you left us some feedback as to how you found this edition.

Our intern will get back to you within 4-5 business days, once we’ve let them out of the basement for some fresh air.

Thanks to Max L.S