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For a group of people who spend their days making memes and writing "nonsensical gibberish" (thanks Mum), we take our duty to keep you informed very seriously.

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⏰ Today's reading time is 6 minutes

President of the European Commission, Ursula von der Leyen has unveiled her latest grand fix for Europe’s chronic inability to get shit done, a plan titled “One Europe, One Aperitif Market”. 

You may be asking: “But wait, isn’t there already a single market?”

And you'd be correct.

But the consensus is that despite boasting the world’s second largest economy, the bloc still operates like a “market of 27”, complete with paperwork marathons, clashing regulations and bureaucracy that moves at the speed of an oil tanker doing a three point turn.

The idea is that by 2027 the European Union might finally function like a single market rather than a dysfunctional group chat that couldn't even organise a piss up in a brewery.

Brussels says the real villains are red tape, feeble capital markets, lazy Italians, sky high energy costs and trade obstacles between countries that are technically all on the same team.

Former head of the ECB Mario Draghi has been banging on about this for years, and it seems people are finally listening to him.

The cure is a five point masterplan featuring simpler rules, unified corporate systems, beefed up capital markets, better energy infrastructure and a digital spending spree.

If it works, Europe could become leaner and sharper.

If not, at least they’ll have comissioned another report that no one will read and everyone can leave work early for 2-1 Spritzs at the local bar.

Local plumber Hannah Spencer beat Reform’s ‘academic’ Matt Goodwin and Labour’s ‘anyone but Andy Burnham’ candidate Angeliki Stogia with a hefty 4000 seat majority, overturning Labours’ 14,000 majority to become the Green’s 5th member of parliament.

The seat was up for grabs after Andrew Gwynne had to step down for medical reasons, which most presumed would be filled by an Andy Burnham Labour nomination. 

Given his popularity both as Mayor of Greater Manchester (which Gorton & Denton falls under) and within the party, even Stevie Wonder could see that Burnham was the obvious candidate.

This wasn’t the case however, with Keir Stalin Starmer blocking Burnham's return to Parliament as a precautionary measure, and because having him killed with an ice-pick didn’t poll too well with focus groups.

A TLDR of the election results:

It is comforting to see that whilst British politics may be underdoing seismic shifts at the moment, the Monster Raving Loony Party are still as fucking mental as ever.

Donald Trump managed to get tariffs back into the headlines this week by slapping them on imported Chinese goods, and then turning the dial up to 15% after the Supreme Court declared his earlier tariff regime unlawful. 

Analysts have been quick to suggest the move was less about sound economics and more about giving the Orange Maniac something to ramble on about for a few months at least.

After all, ordering new tariffs straight after a court ruling saying your old tariffs were illegal is the sort of logic you’d expect from a dog eating it’s own vomit and expecting it to be tasty.

Trump used ‘Section 122’, which gives him the power to enact tariffs of up to 15% for 150 days before Congress has to approve them.

As exporters around the world recalculate pricing and economists try to electro-shock therapy the word ‘tariffs’ out of their brains, the trans-Atlantic alliance is once again getting squeezed after agreeing new trade deals only last year.

Warner Bros Discovery’s takeover drama seems to be approaching an end, with Paramount Skydance now the likely buyer after Netflix exited stage left.

Paramount Skydance is run by Kendall Roy David Ellison, son of Oracle titan Larry Ellison, which means this is just as much a corporate transaction as it is a ‘let’s give the eldest boy something to do’ project.

If the deal lands, the Ellison orbit would extend across yet another Hollywood cornerstone, tightening its grip on film, television and streaming.

Warner Bros Discovery also owns CNN, one of the most recognisable news brands on the plane and Trump’s favourite source of fake news.

Interestingly, on a day where markets struggled overall, Netflix stock went up in reaction to the news.

Either way, it’s unlikely to affect the average coach potato too much, as more consolidation at the top usually leads to less competition for subscribers.

This will probably translate to less effort put into attracting new subs and keeping existing ones, so you can keep looking forward to season 21 of Stranger things and never being able to find the one film you actually want to watch.

Labour MPs have turned on their own frontbench over the student loans fiasco, accusing ministers of presiding over what one kindly described as “an absolute dog’s dinner”.

Which is underselling it slightly, because the average person would just look at the numbers and call them “a fucking scam.”

At the centre of the mess are 5.8 million plan 2 graduates who cough up repayments each month and keep watching their interest payments rise.

The spark this time was Chancellor Rachel Reeves’ decision to freeze the repayment threshold for three years, despite earlier promises it would rise with earnings.

Graduates were told their debt would be “manageable”, which is funnily enough the same line I hear my local mafia boss say to the businesses that pay him protection money.

In the meantime, graduates remain trapped in what one MP called a student Hotel California.

You can graduate any time you like.

You just can’t leave, not with your kneecaps intact anyway.

Residents of Gaza have been starved (quite literally) of access to food and basic hygiene, and had their neighbourhoods reduced to rubble can finally breathe a sigh of relief, as FIFA has pledged a brand new 25,000 seat national stadium in the area.

At the inaugural meeting of Donald Trump’s Board of Peace in Washington, disabled gay African migrant worker and FIFA President and Gianni Infantino has promised $50 million for a gleaming arena, plus an academy and dozens of pitches.

Infantino spoke about joy, corruption, and football as a universal language, accompanied by a glossy video about “a reason to believe again”.

Trump showered praise on the FIFA boss, noting he’d much prefer being the head of ‘soccer’ to running a country.

Not everyone in the world of ‘soccer’ football isn’t too pleased with all this hobnobbing that FIFA is doing with The White House.

Former FIFA President Sepp leaky Bladder hit out at the organisation’s ties to the US, labelling it a ‘dictatorship’.

In other words, the pot calls the kettle black.

Just kidding. Well, maybe on one of those two…

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Governor of California/The Reincarnated Joe Biden (no, he's not dead yet) Gavin Newsom got in a spot of bother this week for his choice of words when giving a talk in Atlanta.

Perhaps thinking it would make him seem more human relatable, he said to a predominantly African-American crowd:

The irony that he was on stage promoting his book was apparently not lost on him.

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