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Happy Friday,

Fresh from getting our stomachs pumped due to excess alcohol consumption (special shoutout to the NHS for not charging us), we’re back to get you up to speed with what’s going on in the world.

And yes, that does include the fact that everyone’s favourite private jet aficionado, Taylor Swift, is getting married.

Enough tomfoolery - let’s get you the news you need to know in meme form.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes

Quote of the Week

The Taliban ready to work with Reform UK on migrants

Talk about unexpected alliances…

A senior Taliban official told The Telegraph they are “ready and willing” to work with Farage, describing Afghanistan as “home to all Afghans”, with a particularly warm welcome for those they are looking to flog.

A gentle reminder that this is the same Taliban that Western powers spent billions to drive out of Afghanistan (unsuccessfully) and whose country now makes The Handmaid’s Tale look like a feminist paradise.

They added they wouldn’t take money for their own citizens but would accept “aid” to keep women from driving help accommodate returnees.

Former Reform chairman Zia Yusuf went further, saying it would be “quite reasonable” to pay the Taliban to take deportees

Farage himself brushed off concerns that Afghans could face persecution on return, saying he’s more worried about “what is happening on the streets of our country.”

Since the Taliban retook power in 2021, the UK has deported a whopping nine Afghans.

Reform wants to change the law entirely so no asylum claims can be made by anyone who enters illegally.

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A new YouGov poll for Sky News has Labour at just 20% support—the party’s lowest point since last year’s election and only three points ahead of the Conservatives on 17%.

Nigel Farage’s Reform UK is now in the lead with 28%.

Nick Thomas-Symonds, Labour’s EU relations minister, defended the government, saying it had made “very difficult decisions” to stabilise public finances and secure a reset deal with the EU.

Because nothing says “tough decisions” like backtracking on a promise to cut £300 a year from the richest pensioners in the country.

Toady McToadface Farage was accused of “stoking problems and offering empty promises,” while insisting Labour’s approach to the EU was pragmatic, not “snake oil.”

Reform hit back, claiming Labour had inflicted huge damage on businesses, pointing to 157,000 fewer payroll jobs since Starmer took office and accusing the government of strangling small firms with a “jobs tax”, a reference to the increase in employers national insurance.

GB news-fuelled snake oil or not, the numbers show Farage’s Reform party are now decisively the biggest threat to the Labour government, capitalising on a hard-line immigration platform and “common-sense” solutions.

Labour should maybe spend a little less time waging war on porn-watching teens and more time trying to get in touch with the issues facing the working people of the UK.

Musk’s AI startup sues OpenAI and Apple over anticompetitive conduct

Elon Musk has opened another legal front against his old co-founder and fellow autist Sam Altman.

His AI startup xAI has filed a lawsuit in Texas accusing OpenAI and Apple of colluding to monopolise both smartphones and the chatbot market, which is the business equivalent of your conspiracy nut cousin accusing the Jews and the Illuminati of colluding to stop him getting a mortgage.

The case centres on Apple’s deal to integrate OpenAI’s tech into iPhones and Macs, which Musk says makes it “impossible” for rivals like his Grok chatbot to compete.

Almost as impossible as any of Elon’s children not being bullied in school.

The complaint alleges Apple used its dominance in smartphones to cement OpenAI’s dominance in AI, and Musk is seeking to tear up the partnership while also demanding billions in damages.

OpenAI dismissed the lawsuit as part of Musk’s “ongoing pattern of harassment.”

Apple hasn’t commented, as everyone there was too busy “innovating” the iPhone by folding it in half.

The feud between Musk and Altman has been boiling since Musk quit OpenAI in 2018 after unsuccessfully trying to take control.

Since then, Musk has launched xAI and repeatedly sued his former company, while OpenAI has framed him as a bitter ex-boyfriend partner lashing out as it closes in on a potential $500bn valuation—surpassing Musk’s SpaceX, currently worth around $350bn.

California Governor Gavin Newsom warns Trump is serious about pursuing a third term

California governor and Patrick Bateman impersonato Gavin Newsom has warned that Donald Trump is “gravely serious” about running for a third term, accusing him of openly disregarding the U.S. Constitution.

Newsom said Trump doesn’t believe in free elections and revealed that during a February Oval Office meeting, Trump pointed to a portrait of Franklin D. Roosevelt—the only president to serve more than two terms—while talking about staying in power beyond 2028.

Newsom mocked the idea by showing off the “Trump 2028” hats he’s received from MAGA supporters and argued Trump’s recent plans, like building a 90,000 sq ft ballroom in the White House, suggest he has no intention of leaving.

Trump, who has flirted with minors the idea of a third term before, has suggested the 22nd Amendment could be “circumvented,” citing FDR as precedent, conveniently ignoring the small issue of World War 2 having something to do with it.

Officially he has said he probably wouldn’t run again — but Hitler also said he probably wouldn’t invade the Rhineland, so you never know really.

Trump dismissed “Newscum” as “incompetent”, although he did (rather homoerotically) admit that he “looks good.”

Shame they can’t get along really, as the two actually have a lot in common:

• Care a lot about their looks

• Come from money (Gavin’s dad ran the Getty family trust)

• Have a penchant for younger women

Postal services in Europe suspend parcel shipments to US amid uncertainty over tariffs

Donald Trump’s latest tariff move has thrown Europe’s postal networks into chaos, which are already reeling from the fact they’ll have to go back to work in September.

From this week, La Poste in France, Deutsche Post in Germany, Spain’s Correos, Poste Italiane and several Nordic and Benelux operators have all halted most US-bound parcel shipments. Austria’s Österreichische Post and the UK’s Royal Mail will follow next week.

The disruption stems from Trump’s decision to scrap the long-standing de minimis exemption, which let packages under $800 enter the US duty-free.

For the ignorant swine amongst you who don’t speak Latin, de minimis translates to of little importance.

Starting today, all such parcels will face a 15% tariff. That’s no small tweak: last year, 1.36 billion parcels worth $64.6bn entered the US under the rule—many from small European firms shipping low-value goods.

Postal operators say they simply can’t comply in time.

US authorities only confirmed the rule change on 15 August, leaving just two weeks to adapt systems for collecting tariffs and transmitting data to customs.

DHL, which owns Deutsche Post, basically admitted it no longer knows who pays what, or how the payments are supposed to work.

Royal Mail and others are framing this as a temporary suspension, but PostEurop, which represents 51 European postal services, warned that without urgent fixes, every member could suspend most parcel shipments to the US by the end of the month.

France heading for IMF bailout with government on the verge of collapse

The sky is blue, water is wet and the French government is on the brink of collapse.

Prime Minister François Bayrou is calling a confidence vote for the 8th of September that he is almost certain to lose. Opposition parties from Jean-Luc Mélenchon’s far-left to Marine Le Pen’s far-right have vowed to topple him, leaving Emmanuel Macron’s presidency rudderless at a time of spiralling debt and market jitters.

It’s always heartening to see the French put their political differences aside over their shared love for complaining about their government.

Finance minister Eric Lombard has warned that France’s €3.3 trillion debt and ballooning deficit could push the country towards an IMF-style bailout, before hastily rowing back after investors panicked and bank shares slid.

Our Paris correspondent reportedly overheard the following:

As if things couldn’t get any worse, yields on French 10-year bonds have now overtaken Italy of all places —a humiliation for Macron, once nicknamed the “Mozart of being groomed by your teacher finance.”

Bayrou has pitched €43.8 billion in spending cuts and tax rises—including scrapping two bank holidays and trimming healthcare—to contain what he calls a “national emergency.”

If (more like, when) Bayrou falls, Macron could be forced into fresh parliamentary elections despite vowing not to repeat last year’s disastrous snap vote that created today’s deadlock.

Unsurprisingly, anger is spilling onto the streets.

A viral “let’s block everything” protest movement—embraced by both unions and far-right groups—is calling nationwide strikes and blockades in September.

A poll shows 63% of voters support the action, raising fears of another “Yellow Vest” style upheaval.

🍻Half Pints

Quick-fire news you might have missed

Meme of the Week

Australian of the Week

Australian MP Bob Katter, in a proud display of the age-old Aussie value of senseless violence, threatened to sock a journalist in the mouth at a recent press conference.

When talking about how anyone with “anti-Australian values” should be deported, a reporter pointed out that Bob does in fact have Lebanese heritage.

Bob quipped back:

It seems he does not have the same respect for journos that he does for people’s sexual proclivities.

That’s all for today, but before you go…

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Thanks to Finn and Ben