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Happy Friday lovely people,

We’ve been acqui-hired by the Chinese Communist Party, and our team will be relocating to Beijing to teach Xi Jinping how to make memes about Tiananmen never happening.

Just kidding, we don’t take political sides here. Unless you’re paying us a lot of money.

Or you have our families tied up in a bunker in Israel.

Anyhoo, let’s get you up to speed with what happened in the UK and beyond this week.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes

Quote of the Week

ChatGPT will soon allow erotica for verified adults, says OpenAI boss

OpenAI plans to loosen its content rules and allow erotica on ChatGPT for verified adults, part of what CEO Sam Altman calls a plan to make sure you never have to go outside or use your brain again, “treat adult users like adults.”

Altman said future versions would act “more human-like,” though only if users opt in. The move mirrors Elon Musk’s xAI, which recently launched sexually explicit chatbots, and could help OpenAI grow its paid user base.

Altman said ChatGPT had been “overly restrictive” to protect users’ mental health but now has tools to manage risks. The timing is sensitive considering they are being sued by the parents of a US teenager who killed himself after discussing it with Chat GPT.

Critics warn that erotica access could blur child-safety lines. In the UK, written erotica doesn’t need age checks, but AI-generated porn does.

In the US, lawmakers are pushing new regulations, as surveys show one in five students know someone who’s had a “romantic relationship” with AI.

Maybe in 20 years time, we’ll look at people with human romantic partners in the same way that we look at people who still use fax machines.

MI5 First Desk Sir Ken McCallum warned that Chinese operatives pose a daily national security threat to the UK, confirming that his agency disrupted fresh Chinese activity just last week.

To be fair, that was just our intern ordering a Tsingtao beer at his local Chinese and pronouncing it a little too well. We were more than happy to serve our country and turn him in.

First Desk’s comments come amid uproar over the collapse of a high-profile spying case against two men accused of working for Beijing — former parliamentary researcher Christopher Cash and academic Christopher Berry, or Christopher² as they were known by their handler.

Both deny any wrongdoing.

To be fair, Cash did literally text “You're in spy territory now" to Berry after he met with Xi Jinping’s top enforcer Cai Qi in July 2022. Even Stevie Wonder would be able to see what was going on.

The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) dropped the case, saying the evidence didn’t prove China was formally deemed a “national security threat” during the alleged offences.

Fighting flares in Gaza as Trump says “The war is over”

Donald Trump declared “peace in the Middle East” after a one-day victory lap through Israel and Egypt, marking the formal end of the Gaza war.

He gave a speech to the Knesset promising “the end of the age of terror and death”, though his 20-point plan for Gaza’s reconstruction remains a mystery.

Well, other than his slum landlord son in law getting in on the action.

Over 70% of Israelis back the ceasefire, but the Zionist crazies in Netanyahu’s coalition want it to collapse so Israel can reoccupy Gaza.

On the other side, the friendly neighbourhood wingnuts over in Hamas are struggling to impose order, as they clash with rival militias and execute alleged collaborators in broad daylight. 

Trump shrugged off the violence, saying Hamas must “take out a couple of gangs” before disarming—or else “we will disarm them.”

Him not getting that Nobel Peace Prize really was daylight robbery…

UK economy grew 0.1% in August ahead of key Budget

The UK economy eked out 0.1% growth in August, driven by a 0.7% rise in manufacturing, while services—the bulk of the economy—flatlined.

July’s data was revised down to a small contraction, underlining how fragile growth still is. Over the three months to August, GDP rose 0.3%.

Yesterday it was all over. Today, we are so back. Which one is it?

The IMF predicts the UK will be the G7’s second-fastest-growing economy this year. A few comments on their “forecasts”:

• We will have the highest inflation in the G7, and the silent tax is a killer.

• No G7 country is projected to grow by more than 2%, so our second-fastest-growing is a bit like winning World’s Second Tallest Dwarf.

• It’s a forecast made by professional economists, so there’s a high probabilty it’s bullshit.

Chancellor Rachel Reeves faces growing pressure ahead of next month’s Budget, with the Institute for Fiscal Studies warning she still needs to find £22 billion to meet her borrowing rules.

Reeves hinted at “further measures on tax and spending” this week.

Given that granny and grandpa have made cuts electorally impossible, expect the emphasis to be on the former rather than the latter.

Trump threatens to sell Tomahawk missiles to Ukraine as leverage over Russia

Donald Trump said he “may” send long-range Tomahawk cruise missiles to Ukraine after a call with his favourite modestly successful comedian, Volodymyr Zelensky, ahead of their White House meeting today.

The missiles’ 2,500km range would put Moscow in reach, a leap in capability Kyiv has sought since 2022.

The Kremlin warned of “extreme concern,” with spokesman Dmitry Peskov noting Russia cannot tell if inbound Tomahawks carry nuclear warheads. Dmitry Medvedev threatened consequences “for everyone—first of all for Trump.”

Loosely translated, they are shitting their pants. And rightly so.

Trump’s envoy Keith Kellogg’s Cornflakes recently signalled approval for deep strikes into Russia, saying “there are no such things as sanctuaries.”

Ukraine faces renewed drone and missile barrages targeting energy infrastructure before winter, and getting access to Tomahawks may be a gamechanger for their war effort.

CIA authorised to take action in Venezuela as Maduro says 'no to regime change'

Clearly feeling very ballsy this week, the Trump has authorised the CIA to carry out covert operations inside Venezuela, sparking fury from President Nicolás Maduro, who warned against “CIA-orchestrated coups d’état” and called for “no war, yes peace.”

How about, “no war, yes bananas?”

The order—rarely acknowledged so openly by a US president—follows weeks of US strikes on suspected drug boats in the Caribbean that have killed 27 people.

Trump justified the move by accusing Caracas of sending “drugs and prisoners” into the US, though Venezuela plays only a minor role in the regional drug trade.

Not to worry though, the US would never enter into a war with an oil-rich regional power based on inaccurate intelligence.

He refused to say whether the goal was regime change, calling the question “ridiculous.”

Three US B-52 bombers recently flew near Venezuelan airspace as 10,000 US troops remain positioned around the Caribbean.

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🍻Half Pints

Quick-fire news you might have missed

Meme of the Week

We have discontinued Meme of the week so as to leave more room for the news memes and the ramblings that go alongside them.

If you want memes, there are plenty over on our award-winning Instagram account.

 Just make sure you unfollow if you’re visiting the US anytime soon.

Deportation of the Week

Greta MacThunberg has some rather large stiff competition if she wants to secure Deportation of the Year at our 2025 The Pint Awards ceremony.

British national treasure and creator of the Bosh slogan (pronounced baaaæshh) “Big John” Fisher was detained and deported from Australia this week due to a visa issue.

It’s quite the role reversal considering Australia’s history with British deportations.

That’s all for today, but before you go…

We’re always open to feedback (and hate-mail), so feel free to reply and we’ll get back to you within 5 “working” days.

Barring an act of god or being kidnapped by the deep state, we’ll see you next week.

Thanks to Mike