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Greetings lovely people,

Unlike Nvidia, we take our office relationship policy very seriously here at Pint HQ.

No funny business amongst staff at different seniority levels. Juniors can have at it like rabbits as far as I care.

Office affairs aside, plenty more went down in the world this week, so let’s get to it.

⏰ Today's reading time is 7 minutes

It’s been barely a week since the Democrats swung both chambers of Congress, and already, like any left-wing party worth their salt, they’re starting to pointlessly bicker about stuff.

On Monday, the dissident Republican congressman (Thomas Massie of Kentucky) put forward articles of impeachment against Donald Trump’s Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth.

The articles accused him of crimes and misdemeanours predominantly related to the war with Iran and illegal strikes on drug boats.

You’d think, as a drunken oaf and the perfect scapegoat for the Republican’s shit-show midterms, someone like Hegseth would be an absolute lay up for impeachment.

On Tuesday the House voted 211 to 204 to refer the articles of impeachment to a committee, meaning the immediate impeachment attempt has fallen flat on its face and will be deferred until the current session of Congress expires. 

The contentious part of the vote isn’t necessarily that it failed to see Hegseth impeached, but that 11 Democrat representatives failed to show up for the vote at all.

Though 7 Republicans also didn’t rock up (they were in the bathroom crying over the midterm results), the presence of the Democrats would likely have swung the impeachment the other way.

The failure of the Democrats to come to vote has garnered strong criticism within the party, already revealing burgeoning tensions within the blue-side. 

As over, The Onion put it best:

Evidently deciding that the young people of Britain are still having too good a time being alive, the government have proposed banning under-16s from up to 150 more online platforms, including Spotify, eBay and YouTube Kids.

To be totally honest, if you’re getting groomed on eBay, that’s 100% on you.

In a substantial expansion of the notorious social media ban, set to come into effect in March 2027, the nation’s youth may find themselves excluded from access to any platform with recommender systems and user-generated content.

The proposal outlines the party’s commitment to the safety of teenagers everywhere, especially from pervasive threats like Lego and music.

Parliament is also considering a blanket ban on slingshots, bouncy castles, water slides, frisbees, fudge, bicycles, going to the zoo, laughing, all books not written by J.K Rowling, and the sun.

An anonymous government source put it thus:

We love Ground News so much, we forced one of our interns to legally change their middle name to ‘Ground News’, on the threat of being fired.

It worked, and they’ve never been happier (or more informed).

There’s a reason we love Ground News so much.

It pulls together every outlet covering a story and shows you who leans left, who leans right, and even who owns the paper you're reading.

It also has a Blindspot feed, which shows the stories one side of the media is ignoring (spoiler alert: the left and the right both do this a fair bit)

It's become a weekly ritual for The Pint team. We check our blind spots, feel better than everyone else, then realise we have Blindspots too. Shocker, I know.

If you'd like to stop getting half the story, as well as support your favourite news outlet, subscribe to get 40% off the Vantage plan using our unique link.

Luke Pollard, the UK minister for defence readiness, has coined the new UK anti-Russian defence initiative with the Netherlands, the Nordic (Scandi) and Baltic countries ‘the alliance of beer-drinking nations’.

Which definitely has a better ring to it than ‘the alliance of skin-cancer prone nations’ or ‘the alliance of abominable food eating countries’.

Since the beginning of 2026, Russian naval activity around the UK has increased by 41%.

The Royal Navy’s response to this threat has been to join the 10-country, beer-loving coalition to coordinate sea-drones and warships of the coalition working jointly to mitigate the Russian activity. 

The Swedes are allegedly employing a genius strategy that exploits the Russian navy’s in-built homophobia.

Underwater neon signs that read ‘This Way If You Are Gay’ will be deployed around contested waters, in the hopes Russian ships will eventually just collide into each other as they frantically swerve to avoid becoming gay.

Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang resigned this week after the company, which in 2025 became the first to surpass $4 trillion and $5 trillion in market capitalisation, opened an independent investigation into allegations that he had an extramarital relationship with a suspected Chinese spy.

Some may say he chose the Huang women. Sorry…

Alice Huang (no relation, hopefully), a Chinese businesswoman and the alleged mole, is believed by US intelligence officials to have engaged in a close relationship with Huang, who double-pinky-swears to have not told her any sensitive information.

As their affair came to light and his firing seemed inevitable, Huang is said to have become "resigned", uncharacteristically answering questions with "whatever", "I don't care", and placing a handgun in colleagues' hands and holding it up to his forehead.

Further, the chipmaker has seen its value plummet after reports of a second affair by its CEO, this time with long-serving Nvidia executive Kimberly Powell.

Since these revelations have come to light, company whistleblowers are now alleging a third affair, which together with the perfectly grey head of hair and constant wearing of a leather jacket, really completes the mid-life crisis pièce de résistance.

He will be replaced on an interim basis by Nvidia CFO Colette Kress, who Huang had previously called ‘a deer in the headlights’ in a meeting about Nvidia’s agreements to provide billions of dollars of guarantees to companies that couldn’t afford its chips.

His time at the company may be up, but we’re very excited to be able to report on some developments regarding Jensen’s next gig.

The nation’s layabouts rejoiced today as Microsoft outages swept the developed world, plunging countless businesses, schools, and hospitals into inaction.

The issue began on the evening of Thursday the 12th November, when Outlook, Teams, Copilot and other Microsoft 365 services became suddenly inaccessible.

The cause is unclear, and while Microsoft has assured that email service is ‘now approaching normal levels’.

They also said they are ‘deeply sorry’, which is always great to hear.

Despite concerns among the sick, the young and the vulnerable, others are pleased with the outage.

Without email and remote-calling services, the easiest and fakest jobs have been rendered almost impossible, much to the delight of office cattle everywhere.

As patients struggle to fulfil prescriptions, the soft-handed do-nothings squealed with glee upon realising that, now unable to tend to their do-nothing duties, they could simply just do nothing instead.

Unaffected by the disruption are the do-somethings, whose jobs more typically require actual tasks, responsibilities, and actually leaving the house.

Outages were also reported with Claude and Google servers, which can only be explained by data centre’s taking the day off to mourn Jensen Huang.

It is usually all doom and gloom when we think about the state of the UK economy.

Banning kids from Youtube Kids, gorging yourself on cheap processed food that tastes like sawdust, and wondering why everything takes fucking ages to build.

The Bank of England hiking interest rates to 4% last week didn’t fill anyone with great hope either. I miss Mark Carney as Bank of England Governor more than I miss my ex.

However, in a surprising turn of events, the UK economy seems to have rallied, partly thanks to AI investment. So go and kiss your local data centre when you get a spare moment.

Growth levels of 0.7% have been projected by economists contrary to the average prediction for this July to September which hovered at around 0.1%.

In spite (or perhaps because) of a change of the political head of the country (Andy Burnham arrived and Rome is saved), the economic atmosphere is certainly more positive.

The UK economy was particularly badly impacted by Trump’s war in Iran, and yet it is on track to be the second fastest growing economy after the US across the G7 countries. Suck on that one France.

Whilst you certainly can’t call this an economic ‘boom’ by any stretch, and you can’t necessarily feed your kids or heat your home this winter with GDP growth figures, it’s the step in the right direction.

An anti-drug unit in Peru went to extraordinary lengths this week to secure a 600kg cocaine bust.

One of the officers disguised himself as an ailing patient/Latino Smurf in a wheelchair, blending in seamlessly with his surroundings before leaping out and smashing down the gates of the drug den.

This isn’t the first time Peru’s drug busters have gotten creative with their undercover work.

Here’s one of them posing with some perps while dressed as the Grinch for some fucking reason.

“What are you in for?”

“The Grinch caught me with half a million dollars worth of gear. Ruined Christmas to be honest.”

We’d love it if you left us some feedback as to how you found this edition.

Our intern will get back to you within 4-5 business days, once we’ve let them out of the basement for their legally mandated half an hour of fresh air.

Thanks to Stefan & Fran