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Greetings lovely people,

Fresh off of being kicked out of the Met Gala for asking Katy Perry why she was dressed as ½ of Daft Punk (losing our $350,000 table deposit in the process), we’re back at our day jobs writing this old rag.

It’s been another eventful week, and luckily for you, our frontal lobes are just about intact enough to be able to condense it all into memes.

Enough rambling, let’s get stuck in.

⏰ Today's reading time is 6 minutes

A female JP Morgan exec is under fire for engaging in sexual behaviour usually reserved for male executives.

Former JP Morgan Chase banker in New York, Chirayu Rana, has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against current executive director in JPMC’s leveraged finance division, Lorna Hajdini.

The allegations are quite something. 

The suit claims that Hajdini coerced the married Rana into sex and that she spiked him with viagra, as well as subjecting him to persistent racial and sexual harassment. 

She regularly referred to Rana as her “brown boy Indian” and “my little brown boy”, and one witness is alleged to have heard Hadjini say “, I own you brownie” in his apartment building.  

Apparently, in wanting to show that she is a competitively ranked racist, not merely a casual, Hadjini is accused of separately showing up at Rana’s apartment, removing her shirt, and saying "I bet your little Asian, fish head, wife doesn't have these cannons."  while fondling her breasts. 

Rana was put on leave in 2025 and has subsequently left JPMC.

You’d probably be more likely to see a prosecution come out of the Epstein files than healthy working practices at an investment bank, but we have to credit him for trying. 

Hadjini denies the claims, and of course, JPMC said nothing to see here after an internal investigation found no merit to Rana’s claim.

That must be why they offered Rana a $1 million settlement. 

Rana’s counter-offer was $11.75m but, as he’s currently not employed, he may wish that he had accepted. Hajdini remains in her job at JPMC.

A cruise ship and most of its passengers have been stranded in the Atlantic after an outbreak of Hantavirus killed three people on board and hospitalised several more.

Hantavirus is a disease usually transmitted via rat urine and faeces, and can be deadly. 

As if being on a cruise in the first place wasn’t bad enough. 

The ship was sailing across the Atlantic from Argentina when the outbreak occurred, and is currently waiting to dock in the Canary Islands.

The local government initially tried to block the ship from coming into port at Tenerife, citing concerns about the safety of the local population. 

A valid concern, considering that the virus allegedly came onto the ship when a couple brought the virus back from a birdwatching trip at a landfill site in Argentina.

We would also not let any of our interns back into the basement at Pint HQ if they had done something that stupid.

Good thing that we don’t let them out anyway. 

We already knew that cruises were disgusting, so we are not sure why this is such a big news story.

The virus can incubate in humans for several weeks before symptoms start to show, so maybe the fact that passengers will need to self-isolate for eight weeks once they are off the boat is making people reminiscent about what they were doing in April 2020. 

Amazon launched a third-party logistics service Monday, meaning that companies that don't sell on Amazon can now use its freight, fulfillment, and delivery network.

The expansion follows a playbook similar to the introduction of Amazon Web Services, which grew out of the retail giant’s tech infrastructure and quickly made a dent in cloud computing, last year accounting for 30% of the global cloud computing industry.

It makes sense, as AWS’s former head Andy Jassy is now the big boss, having replaced ‘My Name’ Jeff Bezos as CEO in 2021.

American Eagle and Procter & Gamble have already signed up, and many more big-ticket customers are expected to follow.

Logistics giants (for now) FedEx and UPS are promptly shitting themselves, with their shares dropping 9% and 10% respectively on Monday.

We do love a good underdog story.

From bankrupting countless independent bookstores, to soon becoming the only place businesses (that weren’t on Amazon) can go to fulfil the sort of delivery times customers have come to expect (because of Amazon).

161 pubs closed in England, Scotland and Wales in the first three months of 2026, according to the British Beer and Pub Association.

That is roughly two per day, which is about 2,400 jobs gone in a single quarter.

The causes are familiar: rising business rates, increased labour costs following National Insurance hikes, and a population that has decided it would rather be boring as fuck drink at home, watching The Traitors in their dressing gowns.

The government's response has been to offer a 15% business rates discount for pubs, extend World Cup opening hours, and increase the Hospitality Support Fund to £10 million, which across the entire hospitality sector amounts to showing up to a burning house with a bucket of your own piss and offering to ‘lend a hand’.

On the bright side, Wales is somehow the only UK region reporting an increase in pub numbers, which simply can’t be explained, unless sheep have evolved opposable thumbs and started necking pints.

336 pubs closed in the whole of 2025, and with the current figures, we are on course to comfortably beat that this year.

Voters have gone to the polls this week to elect new members to the Scottish Parliament, the Welsh Senedd, and all London borough councils, as well as several district and local councils in England.

It would be somewhat unfair to say that nobody really gives a shit about local elections in the UK, as (much like midterms in the States), they usually represent a litmus test for how the incumbent government is doing.

The TLDR for Keir Starmer’s Labour: Pretty dogshit.

We sent our army of unpaid staffers to all the major polling stations, and can now give you the definite lowdown on what’s gone down:

At the time of writing, there are still some votes to be counted, but ‘it’s not looking good brev’.

A proposed $250 million settlement would see approximately 37 million iPhone owners receive between $25 and $95 each, resolving claims that Apple marketed "Enhanced Siri features" on the iPhone 15 Pro, 15 Pro Max and iPhone 16 that did not actually exist at the time of sale.

To translate: Apple advertised capabilities its phone couldn't do, sold millions of phones on that basis, and is now offering eligible customers the equivalent of a Nando's for two as compensation.

For the Americans amongst you, Nando’s is like a British Chick-fil-a, minus the homophobia.

The settlement, if approved, would rank among the largest ever involving Apple.

$250 million sounds like a significant sum until you remember Apple is worth $4 trillion, at which point it represents approximately 0.006% of the company's value.

Apple's statement said the company "resolved this matter to stay focused on doing what we do best, which is having Chinese children in Shenzhen assemble our immaculately designed phones.

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Also, it would help us pay for the very shit expensive Met Gala outfit that we may or may not have bought.

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The Met Gala’s costumes are meant to push boundaries, and as creatives ourselves (memes are an art form, ok?), we respect that immensely.

Who cares if people are struggling to afford groceries?

There were some fantastic costumes/performance art pieces/mental health issues disguised as high fashion on display this year, but Heidi Plum Klum dressing up as a marble statue takes the cake.

The costume was so realistic that a delegation from The British Museum tried to gatecrash the gala to steal Klum and put her on display in London.

We’d love it if you left us some feedback as to how you found this edition.

Our intern will get back to you within 4-5 business days, once we’ve let them out of the basement for some fresh air.

Thanks to Sam, Max & Harry