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Happy Friday and all that jazz,

We regret to inform you that due to being incapacitated from severe alcohol withdrawal, we’ve had to euthanise half our team and replace them with an AI model trained on our past editions.

Just kidding, we’re severely prejudiced against AI due to having watched Ex-Machina too many times. Not to mention the fact that it’s shit at making memes.

Anyway, let’s get you up to speed with what happened in the UK and beyond this week.

⏰ Today's reading time is 5 minutes

Quote of the Week

Boris Johnson admits his government’s Covid rules went ‘too far’ with young people

Boris Johnson took a break from pretending to be a Nigerian uncle to participate in the Covid Inquiry this week, where he admitted lockdown rules “probably went too far” for children, who “paid a huge price” to protect others.

The inquiry heard how closures left lasting scars such as rising absenteeism, record exclusions and a surging demand for speech therapy.

Johnson claimed his government had planned for shutdowns, though former officials described the “extraordinary chaos” and a lack of preparation, with former education secretary and known psycho Gavin Williamson blaming No 10 for blocking early contingency plans.

He also admitted the system his government implemented to award exam grades to pupils who had not sat assessments “plainly let down a lot of kids”, after many children’s results during the pandemic did not reflect their abilities.

In Boris’s defence, he was too busy partying and/or being temporarily possessed by Satan to concern himself with things like doing his job.

China’s Communist Party wrapped up a key four-day all-hands meeting this week, vowing to double down on industrial power and technological self-reliance.

The little get-together, featuring the biggest leadership reshuffle since 2017 and a military corruption purge that would make Stalin proud, reaffirmed “advanced manufacturing” as the backbone of China’s next five-year plan.

Expanding domestic consumption and improving welfare were again mentioned but ranked below industry and innovation, showing a clear sign of priorities.

Analysts say Beijing is talking up “people-centred” development but at the risk of sounding a bit too much like a lovey dovey HR-department, they’re still betting on factories, exports and heavy investment.

China’s export-led model has left it vulnerable to weak domestic demand and global trade tensions, but also dominant in key sectors like rare earths and semiconductors.

The latter is especially impressive, considering they haven’t even retaken invaded Taiwan yet.

German PM calls for pan-European stock exchange

German Chancellor Friedrich Merz has called for the creation of a pan-European stock exchange to rival Wall Street and Asia’s markets.

Addressing parliament in Berlin, Merz said Europe must build a “broad and deep capital market” to fund its businesses and preserve prosperity, warning that the continent risks becoming “a tourist destination for rich Asians” a plaything of major economic centres in Asia and America.

The proposal echoes recommendations from former Italian PMs Mario Draghi and Enrico Letta, who have both urged the EU to merge its fragmented financial markets, as well as maybe try not to smother anything innovative to death with regulation.

Europe’s exchanges have been losing ground to New York, with firms like Klarna and BioNTech opting to list in the US.

A pan-EU exchange would pose a direct challenge to London, where IPO activity has slumped despite a few recent rebounds.

In order to do it though, the hypothetical European exchange would have to not shut down for all of August.

OpenAI is training models to replace entry-level finance jobs

OpenAI has quietly hired more than 100 former investment bankers to help train its AI to build financial models, part of a secretive project codenamed Mercury that aims to automate the useless grunt work of Wall Street’s junior analysts.

Unlike said human analysts, AI doesn’t complain about 80 hour weeks reformatting slides and/or die of a heart attack in the office cubicle after smashing 15 Red Bulls for a deadline.

The ex-bankers, drawn from JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley and others, are reportedly paid $150 an hour to write prompts and create models for deals such as IPOs and restructurings.

Their work trains the AI to replicate, and eventually replace, the Excel-heavy, PowerPoint-nitpicking tasks that dominate early banking careers.

Applicants are vetted by an AI interviewer (funnily enough), then tested on financial statements and modeling. Contractors submit one model per week, refining it until it meets industry formatting standards before it’s integrated into OpenAI’s systems.

Presidents Trump, Petro trade threats as US, Colombia tensions surge

Forget tariffs on semiconductors, cocaine prices may be about to shoot through the roof thanks to the Orange Maniac’s latest crusade. Cokeheads worldwide are shuddering in horror.

Tensions between Washington and Bogotá have exploded after Donald Trump called Colombian President Gustavo Petro a “thug” who is “making a lot of drugs,” announcing a suspension of all US military aid to Colombia.

Petro hit back, threatening to sue Trump in US courts for slander and accusing him of acting like a “king in Latin America.”

The feud follows Trump’s decision to decertify Colombia’s anti-narcotics efforts and comes amid a controversial US military build-up in the Caribbean, where American forces have killed at least 37 people in strikes on alleged drug-smuggling vessels.

Petro, who recalled Colombia’s ambassador to Washington, said his government had destroyed 17,000 cocaine labs and would only cooperate on anti-drug efforts with nations that dont try and illegally overthrow us “respect sovereignty”.

Colombian officials warned the 200-year alliance with the US is now at risk, while international law experts have condemned the legality of America’s at-sea killings.

UK seeks one in, one out deals with Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands

The UK is seeking “one in, one out” migration deals with Germany, the Netherlands and Belgium as part of an effort to expand its small boats agreement with France.

The plan, originally devised by Yvette Cooper and now being pursued by Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood, would allow Britain to return migrants who travelled through those countries, in exchange for accepting an equal number of asylum seekers from them.

So far, 42 migrants have been returned to France under the existing deal, while 23 have come the other way, against more than 11,500 new Channel arrivals this year.

One of the first ones even managed to make it back to the UK on a small boat. To be fair, if I was sent to France against my will, I’d fucking swim back if I had to.

The political shitshow in France at the moment has slowed progress somewhat, with the replacement of Interior Minister Bruno Retailleau described by UK officials as a “real blow” to cooperation.

Keir Starmer defended the approach, insisting it is “working” and vowing to “ramp it up,” even as critics note that crossings continue to surge.

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Quick-fire news you might have missed

Feel-Good Story of the Week

An autistic man who was told by the suits over at Waitrose that he had to stop volunteering at his local supermarket has now been offered a job at rival chain Asda.

They wasted no time in snapping him up, giving Tom 2 paid shifts a week, with the hours being as flexible as he needs them to be.

Tom’s mother Frances, who broke the news, will also be a spokeperson for Manchester’s new Bee Neuroinclusive campaign.

As the great Charlie Sheen would say, winning!

That’s all for today, but before you go…

We’re always open to feedback (and hate-mail), so feel free to reply and we’ll get back to you within 5 “working” days.

Barring an act of god or being kidnapped by the deep state, we’ll see you next week.

Thanks to Jeff and Ross