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Marco Rubio has assured European leaders the US does not plan to abandon the transatlantic alliance, saying its destiny "will always be intertwined" with the continent's.

The US secretary of state told the Munich Security Conference:

The Native Americans may have something to say about that.

Rose-tinted history aside, Little Marco had some firm critiques of pretty much every single area of European policy.

Rubio described immigration policies as a threat to civilisation, and environmental regulations as a "climate cult" that had taken over economic policy.

On trade, he said Europe and the US had "made mistakes together" by adopting a "dogmatic vision of free and unfettered trade".

Despite the criticisms, the overall tenor of the speech was markedly different to Vice-President JD Vance's at the same event last year, where he openly chastised European leaders for not providing him with his own sofa “running in fear of their own voters.”

Rubio’s tone was seen as firm, but much more complimentary than Vance.

European Commission President the Aldi Hillary Clinton Ursula von der Leyen said she was "very much reassured" by Rubio's remarks.

The UK may be about to enter a golden age for the ‘unemployed friend at 2pm’ on a Tuesday.

Unemployment hit 5.2% in at the end of 2025, the highest it’s been since the last three months in 2020 according to the bean counters over at the Office of National Statistics (ONS).

Despite more unemployed people looking for openings than before, the rise stems from a few recent changes: 

According to employers, it has just become too expensive to employ staff due to the National Insurance rise that came through in April.

Additionally, the ‘Employment Rights Act’ came into law in December, which gives workers new rights when starting a job, from parental leave and sick pay from day one. 

This has led to more than a third of employers cutting hiring, according to the Chartered Institute of Personal Development (CIPD).

Defense Secretary and local drunkard Pete Hegseth is "close" to cutting his day drinking habit business ties with Anthropic and designating the AI company a "supply chain risk". This would mean anyone who wants to do business with the U.S. military would have to cut ties with the company, according to a senior Pentagon official.

Whilst most people are just using Anthropic’s Claude to fast track their way to unemployment, the Pentagon used the unfortunately French named AI to help scoop up Venezuela's Nicolás Maduro.

This was apparently news to Anthropic themselves.

The company sought clarification, the Pentagon interpreted that clarification as disapproval, leading to a designation that is normally reserved for foreign adversaries and the like.

You know, kind of people Hegseth would probably accidentally add to his work group chat.

The good news is that if Anthropic won't allow mass surveillance of Americans or weapons without human oversight, there are a few of tech companies who would be more than happy to.

America's trade deficit hit a record $1.2 trillion last year, which is a little awks for the Annoying Orange given that bringing said deficit down was one of its his main reasons for launching a global tariff regime.

Despite slapping at least 10% taxes on goods from nearly every country on earth, US imports reached an all-time high of $3.4 trillion.

This was partly because companies panic-bought foreign goods to beat the tariffs, and the big chunks of time inbetween announcement and enforcement helped with this.

Meanwhile, C h i n a recorded the largest trade surplus any country has ever posted, also hitting $1.2 trillion, but firmly in the other direction.

Winne the Pooh and friends redirected their exports toward Southeast Asia, Africa and Latin America when US-bound shipments fell nearly 20%. Electric vehicles, solar panels and lithium batteries led the charge, with high-tech exports up 13%.

Trump's tariffs achieving precisely the opposite of they were meant to achieve may explain why the Supreme Court has just struck them down entirely.

Prediction markets — platforms where you can bet on basically anything from sports to whether Donald Trump and the Hawk Tuah girl will do a podcast together — have become a massive industry in the US, and that growth has brought with it much higher levels of scrutiny.

As if copying their TV shows wasn’t enough, Americans have now copied Britains love of being degenerate gamblers too.

More than $1 billion was ‘traded’ on prediction platform Kalshi alone during Super Bowl Sunday, and the company's January trading volume hit nearly $10 billion, mostly tied to sports.

The companies argue they're not gambling operations but federally regulated financial exchanges trading "event derivatives," which is a bit like arguing you are a professional stockbroker because you’re addicted to betting on Slovakian Women’s Volleyball every weekend.

Being treated as a financial instrument puts them under the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) rather than state gaming regulators, and has the added bonus of attracting massive amounts of insider trading.

Having previously banned Polymarket from the US for years, the CFTC under Trump now firmly sides with the platforms, with its new chair calling state attempts to regulate them "overzealous."

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s birthday plans were scuppered this week, as the Duke of Pork was arrested by Thames Valley Police on suspicion of misconduct in public office.

The arrest happened on his 66th birthday, so it’s not impossible that he assumed the cops at his door were strippers sent to deliver a birthday massage message.

The arrest follows mounting pressure after further release of the Epstein files suggested that while Andrew served as Trade Envoy for the UK he may have passed on confidential material to the late financier Jeffery Epstein. 

This would have been when he wasn’t spending taxpayer money on Thai prostitutes.

The arrest allows the police to search the King's brother’s residences and which will allow Thames Valley to go through any devices, files or items of interest to their investigation.

Given how creative The Nonce Artist Formerly Known as Prince Andrew was with his excuses last time he was accused of wrongdoing, we can’t wait to see what he comes up with this time.

On the bright side, at least we have a new addition to the “British public figures looking like they’re trying to not throw up in the back of an Uber” scrapbook.

Well ‘important’ might be a bit of a stretch, but there’s no denying the utility of being up to date on the latest comings and goings in AI.

And if you really don’t care and are set on living as a hermit in the woods well before AI reaches singularity, then just click the link so we can keep the lights on and not starve to death.

Cheers.

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Punch, a seven-month-old born at Ichikawa City Zoo outside Tokyo, was abandoned by his mother shortly after birth and has spent the months since getting swatted away by adult monkeys every time he tries to say hello.

His only real companion has been a stuffed orangutan from IKEA, which he drags around the enclosure and cuddles with.

Before you book flights to Japan to avenge him, it seems little Punch has recently turned a corner.

Footage has emerged of him being groomed by other monkeys — and unlike when Prince Andrew does it, this is considered to be a good thing.

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